Sunday, 7 February 2010

A Day In The Life

From someone's Twitter feed yesterday:

[The journey there]

Am trapped in a car listening to Christopher Cross's greatest hits. Verily this is what Hell must be like.

oh fuck, the sax solo from the theme to that Dudley Moore film. I want to scream

no tweet can convey the full horror of my predicament - still only track seven


shit, a romantic duet

Track 13. Am anxiously going though Good Pub Guide. Please, please let one be near.

This is not good.

I want to die.

Christ, track 19 is an agonising never-ending slow ballad.

AGHHH - its fucking looped back to fucking riding like the fucking wind

"'ve got such a long way to go..."

"Let's stop for lunch here"

[A walk around town]

is now in a New Age shop, with crystals and dolphin music.

Is impressed by a ceramic buddhist toad

I don't think I will be allowed back in a New Age shop again.

I am told there is a time and a place for being a skeptic

Yay, this next place claims to be "haunted"

Now in very earnest museum.

"No, we don't think we have any ghosts".

Point out place next door has one.

No, they don't want to borrow next door's ghost, even it would be good for visitor uptake

Have been told to go and explore 'lovely' herb garden.

Museum assistant looking very concerned

Off to main museum, which closes at 4.30

Looking at torture instruments. I think of Christopher Cross CD

Bookshop or wine bar ultimatum ended up with bookshop. Looking for erotica section.

No erotica section, but found a novelization of 1980s series Minder.

Dragged out.

Ooh, pub with view of castle, with a gorgeous sunset. Result

[The evening]

Am now at posh house party, but have been banned from tweeting.

Suffice to say, it is clarse and glarse, and not class and glass. Am smiling.

"Do you like pandas?"

"No, I'm not saying they should be killed off."

Oh, they spotted someone they haven't seen for ages.

"You're a lawyer too? How wonderful."

"Yes, the accent is from Birmingham. Ever been there?"

"Oh, you really should. It has a Selfridges now."

"Oh that is good news. I hear the housing market is up again."

Am becoming a bolshevik with every top up. Dreadfully rude of me.

Ooh. i can overhear a crisis. Where does one buy a 3/4 length coat these days. Am not able to help on this one

"No, I can't recommend a gym in the City "

“you did an overdose last week? how extraordinary."

tried but failed to get last conversation round to DC vs Marvel universes. oh well

"yes, i am from Birmingham. you have good ear for accents, well done."

"yes, just like jasper carrot."

just been told that it is splendid to be a blogger

have been told my grey hair looks distinguished, but sadly no 'just like George Clooney' follow-up. In kitchen

all now mellow, no more houseprice/job/schools/ middleclasscrap. Am now with humans again...

"So fun, we must have you round". Over, out...

Am home

[Edited and typos corrected.]


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Pam Nash said...

It was the most entertaining day on Twitter, from a single person, ever - I kept going back for the latest instalment. Epic! :)

A kind of middle-aged man's Bridget Jones' Diary. You'll have to work had to keep THAT standard up!

marksany said...

Like an episode of big bang theory.

Stephen Curry said...

At least you weren't told your hair looked like Jasper Carrot's...

Helen of Essex said...

This reminds me that, sadly (or perhaps not), I cannot recall a single Christopher Cross track. How on earth have I got through 30 odd years without such a memory..??

Jon Patience said...

May I suggest that the next time you go to Rochester you go by train? Highspeed from St Pancras, then wait in one of the really good pubs while everyone else does the mumbo-jumbo b******s?